Letter.

I needed to write. So I wrote what I wanted to say, but knew I probably never will. So Caleb, this is for you. Although you'll probably never read it.



“Can I ask you a question?”

I was hesitant, eventually responding with an “okay.” I knew what you were thinking and wanted to say. It’s why we decided to end it the first time.

“Sometimes, I’m not sure if I even love you anymore.”

I knew it was coming, yet I was still silent when you asked me what I was thinking. I didn’t know what I was thinking, only that I still love you. And I stuck with that decision, even when I hated being around you. So I suppose in that sense, in a sense of choosing to love someone, it’s been a one sided relationship from the beginning. Apparently you never made a decision of either way.

I remember when you first told me of what you deal with. “I think I love you” was your response after I told you I wouldn’t be going anywhere. You weren’t sure then, but I thought it was the spark of something.

I remember that conversation. Something along the lines of, “I want to just be able to start a family in a nice town and not worry about anything. I want to be able to hold you forever.” I really thought you meant it. But if I’m honest with myself, I guess that it could have been meant for anyone.

And I remember that nights you would say “I love you.” Three simple words, but I hung onto each letter. I would like to ask you now; did you ever believe what you said? Was there ever meaning behind your voice, or was I only pretending something was there that never was?

And now a new memory. I remember when you first began avoiding telling me, “I love you.” You wonder if I love you, and guess what- I wonder the same about you. And while you have no reason to worry, it’s looking like I do.

You tell me you wish I did this and this and that differently. I listen and take what you say into consideration. I tell you I’ll try. But never once have I come back and told you what I wish you would do differently, what I think I need from you. And maybe that’s a weakness on my part, but I just hope that you don’t think I’m the only one to blame for our relationship falling apart. Believe me, I could easily run down a list of things I feel like I need, but I’ve chosen to keep my mouth shut. A one sided attempt becomes a two sided failure.

Before I walk away, I want one thing. I need, so desperately, for you to make up your mind. And I need you to stick wit it. Your going back and forth hurts more than anything. So decide and let me know. Maybe something can be salvaged. But promise me something. Do not hold onto me because you’re afraid I’ll get hurt. Be quiet for a moment and I’ll let you in on a little secret. Te damage has already been done. Ask me sometime and I’ll show you the physical scars I have to prove it. Holding me simply for that motive only causes the wounds to go deeper. Either way, someone will get hurt. I’ll raise my hand and volunteer to be that person, just please, don’t make it hurt anymore than it has to.

And, babe, here is one last word for you. I love you. While the day may be close, or may have already come, that I no longer tell you that every night before the day ends, that is still my choice, as it always has been. While I may not be able to hold you, I’ll still be by your side. I’ll still are for you. I’ll still think you are the most amazing guy I know. I’ll be here when you need to talk or when you just need someone to laugh at your jokes. We’ll both move on. Wounds will heal and scars will fade. But I’ll always be nearby. Know that you will always have someone that care, no matter what you say, do, or feel.

kadi.