Eyes open, you’re on the floor
Some might call this an epiphany
A revelation of sorts
But, really, you’re just happy to be alive.
You clench your fists, then hesitantly release them
Symbolically letting go of what you’ve clung onto for so long
Over and over, the same forced motion
Yet it never makes any difference; you just aren’t ready.
You cry out for a savior, even though you still hold onto your vice
You’ve given it up before, but you fall harder each time.
To some, God means love, safety, hope, and grace.
To you, God means pain, failure, hurt, and fear.
Torn, you decide it’s time you’re honest.
You tell God you can’t leave it behind.
You’re scared of what might happen, it’s who you are
So you take it back up, leaving the cross in the distance.
“I won’t force it upon you, that’s just not what I do.
But I’ll still love you. I’ll still watch over you.
So if you decide you want me, I’ll be right here.
I’ll be waiting for you. I won’t be going anywhere.”
That’s who He is. Maybe someday you’ll recognize Him.
He’s patient when no one else around is.
And He’ll stand here with His arms open wide
Waiting for the day you call His name.
kadi.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Letter.
I needed to write. So I wrote what I wanted to say, but knew I probably never will. So Caleb, this is for you. Although you'll probably never read it.
“Can I ask you a question?”
I was hesitant, eventually responding with an “okay.” I knew what you were thinking and wanted to say. It’s why we decided to end it the first time.
“Sometimes, I’m not sure if I even love you anymore.”
I knew it was coming, yet I was still silent when you asked me what I was thinking. I didn’t know what I was thinking, only that I still love you. And I stuck with that decision, even when I hated being around you. So I suppose in that sense, in a sense of choosing to love someone, it’s been a one sided relationship from the beginning. Apparently you never made a decision of either way.
I remember when you first told me of what you deal with. “I think I love you” was your response after I told you I wouldn’t be going anywhere. You weren’t sure then, but I thought it was the spark of something.
I remember that conversation. Something along the lines of, “I want to just be able to start a family in a nice town and not worry about anything. I want to be able to hold you forever.” I really thought you meant it. But if I’m honest with myself, I guess that it could have been meant for anyone.
And I remember that nights you would say “I love you.” Three simple words, but I hung onto each letter. I would like to ask you now; did you ever believe what you said? Was there ever meaning behind your voice, or was I only pretending something was there that never was?
And now a new memory. I remember when you first began avoiding telling me, “I love you.” You wonder if I love you, and guess what- I wonder the same about you. And while you have no reason to worry, it’s looking like I do.
You tell me you wish I did this and this and that differently. I listen and take what you say into consideration. I tell you I’ll try. But never once have I come back and told you what I wish you would do differently, what I think I need from you. And maybe that’s a weakness on my part, but I just hope that you don’t think I’m the only one to blame for our relationship falling apart. Believe me, I could easily run down a list of things I feel like I need, but I’ve chosen to keep my mouth shut. A one sided attempt becomes a two sided failure.
Before I walk away, I want one thing. I need, so desperately, for you to make up your mind. And I need you to stick wit it. Your going back and forth hurts more than anything. So decide and let me know. Maybe something can be salvaged. But promise me something. Do not hold onto me because you’re afraid I’ll get hurt. Be quiet for a moment and I’ll let you in on a little secret. Te damage has already been done. Ask me sometime and I’ll show you the physical scars I have to prove it. Holding me simply for that motive only causes the wounds to go deeper. Either way, someone will get hurt. I’ll raise my hand and volunteer to be that person, just please, don’t make it hurt anymore than it has to.
And, babe, here is one last word for you. I love you. While the day may be close, or may have already come, that I no longer tell you that every night before the day ends, that is still my choice, as it always has been. While I may not be able to hold you, I’ll still be by your side. I’ll still are for you. I’ll still think you are the most amazing guy I know. I’ll be here when you need to talk or when you just need someone to laugh at your jokes. We’ll both move on. Wounds will heal and scars will fade. But I’ll always be nearby. Know that you will always have someone that care, no matter what you say, do, or feel.
kadi.
“Can I ask you a question?”
I was hesitant, eventually responding with an “okay.” I knew what you were thinking and wanted to say. It’s why we decided to end it the first time.
“Sometimes, I’m not sure if I even love you anymore.”
I knew it was coming, yet I was still silent when you asked me what I was thinking. I didn’t know what I was thinking, only that I still love you. And I stuck with that decision, even when I hated being around you. So I suppose in that sense, in a sense of choosing to love someone, it’s been a one sided relationship from the beginning. Apparently you never made a decision of either way.
I remember when you first told me of what you deal with. “I think I love you” was your response after I told you I wouldn’t be going anywhere. You weren’t sure then, but I thought it was the spark of something.
I remember that conversation. Something along the lines of, “I want to just be able to start a family in a nice town and not worry about anything. I want to be able to hold you forever.” I really thought you meant it. But if I’m honest with myself, I guess that it could have been meant for anyone.
And I remember that nights you would say “I love you.” Three simple words, but I hung onto each letter. I would like to ask you now; did you ever believe what you said? Was there ever meaning behind your voice, or was I only pretending something was there that never was?
And now a new memory. I remember when you first began avoiding telling me, “I love you.” You wonder if I love you, and guess what- I wonder the same about you. And while you have no reason to worry, it’s looking like I do.
You tell me you wish I did this and this and that differently. I listen and take what you say into consideration. I tell you I’ll try. But never once have I come back and told you what I wish you would do differently, what I think I need from you. And maybe that’s a weakness on my part, but I just hope that you don’t think I’m the only one to blame for our relationship falling apart. Believe me, I could easily run down a list of things I feel like I need, but I’ve chosen to keep my mouth shut. A one sided attempt becomes a two sided failure.
Before I walk away, I want one thing. I need, so desperately, for you to make up your mind. And I need you to stick wit it. Your going back and forth hurts more than anything. So decide and let me know. Maybe something can be salvaged. But promise me something. Do not hold onto me because you’re afraid I’ll get hurt. Be quiet for a moment and I’ll let you in on a little secret. Te damage has already been done. Ask me sometime and I’ll show you the physical scars I have to prove it. Holding me simply for that motive only causes the wounds to go deeper. Either way, someone will get hurt. I’ll raise my hand and volunteer to be that person, just please, don’t make it hurt anymore than it has to.
And, babe, here is one last word for you. I love you. While the day may be close, or may have already come, that I no longer tell you that every night before the day ends, that is still my choice, as it always has been. While I may not be able to hold you, I’ll still be by your side. I’ll still are for you. I’ll still think you are the most amazing guy I know. I’ll be here when you need to talk or when you just need someone to laugh at your jokes. We’ll both move on. Wounds will heal and scars will fade. But I’ll always be nearby. Know that you will always have someone that care, no matter what you say, do, or feel.
kadi.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Meant To Love.
Maybe we were never meant to be alone.
I’ve always been independent. Let me do my own things, my own way. Give me space and you’ll never have to see me. And you’ll never have to hear from me. It’s like I never was here.
Maybe we are meant to go through this life together.
It means dependency. It means compromising. It means giving. It means taking.
It means “I couldn’t imagine my life without you.”
It means “I could wring your neck right now.”
It means “I can’t believe you just said that. Couldn’t have been at a better moment.”
It means “I can’t believe you just said that. You’re such a freak.”
Maybe in this life, we are meant to love.
Maybe it was always that simple.
Or complicated.
Depends on how you look at it. Either way, though, the answer still comes out the same.
We were never meant to be alone and stand on our own strength.
We were meant to share moments and lives with others.
Maybe it’s always been that we were meant to love.
kadi.
I’ve always been independent. Let me do my own things, my own way. Give me space and you’ll never have to see me. And you’ll never have to hear from me. It’s like I never was here.
Maybe we are meant to go through this life together.
It means dependency. It means compromising. It means giving. It means taking.
It means “I couldn’t imagine my life without you.”
It means “I could wring your neck right now.”
It means “I can’t believe you just said that. Couldn’t have been at a better moment.”
It means “I can’t believe you just said that. You’re such a freak.”
Maybe in this life, we are meant to love.
Maybe it was always that simple.
Or complicated.
Depends on how you look at it. Either way, though, the answer still comes out the same.
We were never meant to be alone and stand on our own strength.
We were meant to share moments and lives with others.
Maybe it’s always been that we were meant to love.
kadi.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Show Me The Stars
I don’t want to hear anymore lectures.
No more sermons.
No more being preached at.
I don’t want to be told what I am and what I’m not. I don’t want to be told how I should be and that I’m not enough of something.
I don’t want to be told that I should talk to my parents.
Talk to my brother.
Talk to everyone and tell them what the scars are.
I don’t want to be told I should be more outgoing.
And I don’t need to be told one more time that what I’m doing is an addiction and that it will only get worse.
Or that I need to take that next step. The step after giving him my razors.
I just want to be held. I want someone to whisper into my ear,
“It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. You’re safe. You can still change. He sees you. He hasn’t forgotten you. He still loves you. I love you.”
That’s all. I don’t want anything else attached.
“I love you.”
I don’t want “I love you, but…” or “I love you, so…”
Just
“I love you.”
I want someone to hold my hands, look me straight in my eyes, and tell me I’m still alive. That I’m going to make it. That I’m going to make it. That I’m going to make it.
I want to be told that there is still breath in my lungs and blood pumping through my veins. That he hasn’t won yet. And that I’m worth something.
I want someone to show me the stars, and tell me of a wonderful creation. Not the broken and abused one that tends to be the only thing I ever see anymore.
No more lectures.
No more sermons.
No more being preached at.
Just tell me I haven’t been forgotten.
And that I’m still loved.
kadi.
No more sermons.
No more being preached at.
I don’t want to be told what I am and what I’m not. I don’t want to be told how I should be and that I’m not enough of something.
I don’t want to be told that I should talk to my parents.
Talk to my brother.
Talk to everyone and tell them what the scars are.
I don’t want to be told I should be more outgoing.
And I don’t need to be told one more time that what I’m doing is an addiction and that it will only get worse.
Or that I need to take that next step. The step after giving him my razors.
I just want to be held. I want someone to whisper into my ear,
“It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. You’re safe. You can still change. He sees you. He hasn’t forgotten you. He still loves you. I love you.”
That’s all. I don’t want anything else attached.
“I love you.”
I don’t want “I love you, but…” or “I love you, so…”
Just
“I love you.”
I want someone to hold my hands, look me straight in my eyes, and tell me I’m still alive. That I’m going to make it. That I’m going to make it. That I’m going to make it.
I want to be told that there is still breath in my lungs and blood pumping through my veins. That he hasn’t won yet. And that I’m worth something.
I want someone to show me the stars, and tell me of a wonderful creation. Not the broken and abused one that tends to be the only thing I ever see anymore.
No more lectures.
No more sermons.
No more being preached at.
Just tell me I haven’t been forgotten.
And that I’m still loved.
kadi.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Rising of the Dawn.
Come and listen
Come to the edge of who we are
A broken people, a hopeful people
Come to realize these lines are blurred
Come and listen
Listen for the calls of a new day
Trumpets resounding, drums surrounding
Listen for the promises of a savior
The parting of the clouds
Love may soon become a reality
The rising of the dawn
A new life may finally be ours
Maybe this is me pleading to slow down… to force myself to be quiet and focus for just one moment. I’m constantly caught up in the here and now. Fighting a demon that I know is too strong and already has his hands clenched around my throat. I struggle to regain my ground. And that’s all I see- his shadow behind me. I don’t see a savior with his arms outstretched towards me. I can’t hear the promises, the ones that can finally break down this wall and show me there is still light and hope and beauty in not only this world, but my world. I can’t realize there’s someone who wishes to let me live again- if only I would recognize him for who he is, and recognize his presence.
It’s about quieting myself down. Going to the water’s edge to look out on what I could be. It’s about slowing down long enough to take my eyes off of my chains and refocus on someone who wants only to see me breathe in a real, true breath once again.
kadi.
Come to the edge of who we are
A broken people, a hopeful people
Come to realize these lines are blurred
Come and listen
Listen for the calls of a new day
Trumpets resounding, drums surrounding
Listen for the promises of a savior
The parting of the clouds
Love may soon become a reality
The rising of the dawn
A new life may finally be ours
Maybe this is me pleading to slow down… to force myself to be quiet and focus for just one moment. I’m constantly caught up in the here and now. Fighting a demon that I know is too strong and already has his hands clenched around my throat. I struggle to regain my ground. And that’s all I see- his shadow behind me. I don’t see a savior with his arms outstretched towards me. I can’t hear the promises, the ones that can finally break down this wall and show me there is still light and hope and beauty in not only this world, but my world. I can’t realize there’s someone who wishes to let me live again- if only I would recognize him for who he is, and recognize his presence.
It’s about quieting myself down. Going to the water’s edge to look out on what I could be. It’s about slowing down long enough to take my eyes off of my chains and refocus on someone who wants only to see me breathe in a real, true breath once again.
kadi.
Monday, January 7, 2008
I Still Love You.
I woke up this morning. "Last night didn't happen. Was it real? What he told me, did that conversation take place?"
I've thought about what he said last night all day. And now it's finally sinking in. He was worried he'd hurt me. He was worried he'd lose me. And honestly, I really am upset. But only because I can't stand to think that this is what he's been dealing with all this time. It isn't right.
As the tears roll down
Signifying a relase of something-
Something like a burden.
As the tears roll down
You open the door to reveal
A closet filled with shameful skeletons
As the tears roll down
You refuse to look at me
Worrying you'll only hurt me more
As the tears roll down
You ask me to not say anything
But instead, listen.
As the tears roll down
You tell me you love me
You don't want to lose me
As the tears roll down
I look you in the eyes
I won't let this change anything
You've never given up on me
Even after so many times of failing
And now, trust me when I say
I promise I won't let anything happen
I won't let go
Please believe me when I say
I still love you.
kadi.
I've thought about what he said last night all day. And now it's finally sinking in. He was worried he'd hurt me. He was worried he'd lose me. And honestly, I really am upset. But only because I can't stand to think that this is what he's been dealing with all this time. It isn't right.
As the tears roll down
Signifying a relase of something-
Something like a burden.
As the tears roll down
You open the door to reveal
A closet filled with shameful skeletons
As the tears roll down
You refuse to look at me
Worrying you'll only hurt me more
As the tears roll down
You ask me to not say anything
But instead, listen.
As the tears roll down
You tell me you love me
You don't want to lose me
As the tears roll down
I look you in the eyes
I won't let this change anything
You've never given up on me
Even after so many times of failing
And now, trust me when I say
I promise I won't let anything happen
I won't let go
Please believe me when I say
I still love you.
kadi.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Honesty and Truth and Love.
I'm a teenage girl, 15. Glance at me and you'll see a normal kid, probably rude and doesn't care about others. Probably one of those teenyboppers that drool over every guy and doesn't have a brain that you know of.
That's what most people think. That's how most people would view us. Like this guy I met today.
I went with my mom to Hallmark to get Christmas ornaments. We go every year, she gets us (me and my brothers) an ornament and when we move out, we'll take them with us. But this year, I was hoping to make mine mean a bit more.
I support some amazing organizations. One of the newer ones being (Product)RED. I heard that they were working with Hallmark and to carry some stuff in the store. I was hoping one of the ornaments would be a (Product)RED. Sure enough, there was one. Red heart that says (inspi)RED.
This guy that worked there had talked to me and my mom while we were looking at the stuff. Cool guy, funny. He scanned in our items when we were checking out.
"Why did you choose this ornament? Was it because it's a heart?"
You see, he saw me. Figured that since I'm a teenage girl, I must like anything pink or red and a heart.
Nope. Not exactly.
"No. I actually support Product(RED) and heard that you guys were working with them."
"Oh. Most people come in and don't even know about that."
Sad. People "support" organizations and don't even know what they are about. I know a few people that see me wearing To Write Love on Her Arms shirts and ask me how to buy them, without even knowing the story behind it and what they believe in. But they see the shirt. And learn you can get the same one in purple. It looks cute. They have to get it...
I don't act like a lot of people I come in contact with. I ask why. How. I see someone on the side of the street and want to run up and hug them, let them know people still know how to love. I'll be out with my dad when he makes fun of someone. I want to sit down with that person and explain that not everyone is like that. Not everyone is blind and uncaring.
I love people and truly want them to know that. I don't go around and throw that word about. Love. But, instead, I believe that love is really the movement. Love changes things. It gives hope and freedom. It forgives. Love is always there, never changing, never failing. True love doesn't give up on you just when you need someone.
That's who I am. Not some crazy girl that is obessessed with pink and hearts and name brand purses and doesn't see anything else but that. It's great to like pink and hearts and purses, but when that's all you see, there's a problem. When you only see a celebrity and want to be just like them. When you only see that cute guy and don't care that he bullies the new kid or someone who can't connect with anyone else. Like those purses. Like the anything pink. Like all of that. But also work to see change in yourself and in others. Don't be what the world expects you to be. Prove them wrong and show them that you know how to think and act and live and go against everything this world teaches us. Show them that you believe in so much more. Show them that you care about the person who doesn't shop at American Eagle and get a new car for their sixteenth birthday. Be the change everyone wants to see, but few know how to carry out.
Don't let them stereotype you. Let them know there is still honesty and truth and love in this life we find ourselves in.
kadi.
That's what most people think. That's how most people would view us. Like this guy I met today.
I went with my mom to Hallmark to get Christmas ornaments. We go every year, she gets us (me and my brothers) an ornament and when we move out, we'll take them with us. But this year, I was hoping to make mine mean a bit more.
I support some amazing organizations. One of the newer ones being (Product)RED. I heard that they were working with Hallmark and to carry some stuff in the store. I was hoping one of the ornaments would be a (Product)RED. Sure enough, there was one. Red heart that says (inspi)RED.
This guy that worked there had talked to me and my mom while we were looking at the stuff. Cool guy, funny. He scanned in our items when we were checking out.
"Why did you choose this ornament? Was it because it's a heart?"
You see, he saw me. Figured that since I'm a teenage girl, I must like anything pink or red and a heart.
Nope. Not exactly.
"No. I actually support Product(RED) and heard that you guys were working with them."
"Oh. Most people come in and don't even know about that."
Sad. People "support" organizations and don't even know what they are about. I know a few people that see me wearing To Write Love on Her Arms shirts and ask me how to buy them, without even knowing the story behind it and what they believe in. But they see the shirt. And learn you can get the same one in purple. It looks cute. They have to get it...
I don't act like a lot of people I come in contact with. I ask why. How. I see someone on the side of the street and want to run up and hug them, let them know people still know how to love. I'll be out with my dad when he makes fun of someone. I want to sit down with that person and explain that not everyone is like that. Not everyone is blind and uncaring.
I love people and truly want them to know that. I don't go around and throw that word about. Love. But, instead, I believe that love is really the movement. Love changes things. It gives hope and freedom. It forgives. Love is always there, never changing, never failing. True love doesn't give up on you just when you need someone.
That's who I am. Not some crazy girl that is obessessed with pink and hearts and name brand purses and doesn't see anything else but that. It's great to like pink and hearts and purses, but when that's all you see, there's a problem. When you only see a celebrity and want to be just like them. When you only see that cute guy and don't care that he bullies the new kid or someone who can't connect with anyone else. Like those purses. Like the anything pink. Like all of that. But also work to see change in yourself and in others. Don't be what the world expects you to be. Prove them wrong and show them that you know how to think and act and live and go against everything this world teaches us. Show them that you believe in so much more. Show them that you care about the person who doesn't shop at American Eagle and get a new car for their sixteenth birthday. Be the change everyone wants to see, but few know how to carry out.
Don't let them stereotype you. Let them know there is still honesty and truth and love in this life we find ourselves in.
kadi.
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