I Still Love You.

I woke up this morning. "Last night didn't happen. Was it real? What he told me, did that conversation take place?"

I've thought about what he said last night all day. And now it's finally sinking in. He was worried he'd hurt me. He was worried he'd lose me. And honestly, I really am upset. But only because I can't stand to think that this is what he's been dealing with all this time. It isn't right.

As the tears roll down
Signifying a relase of something-
Something like a burden.

As the tears roll down
You open the door to reveal
A closet filled with shameful skeletons

As the tears roll down
You refuse to look at me
Worrying you'll only hurt me more

As the tears roll down
You ask me to not say anything
But instead, listen.

As the tears roll down
You tell me you love me
You don't want to lose me

As the tears roll down
I look you in the eyes
I won't let this change anything

You've never given up on me
Even after so many times of failing
And now, trust me when I say
I promise I won't let anything happen
I won't let go
Please believe me when I say
I still love you.

kadi.

The Holidays.

The holidays always seem to have something about them. They can be the happiest time of year. Home from school for a little bit, time to slow down and enjoy what's around. Or they can be the crappiest time of the year. Either extreme.

Coming into this season, I knew it'd be a hard one. Not only for me, but for a friend of mine. And tonight. Tonight... I had two friends come up to me in tears. They feel like God's left them to fend for themselves, thrusting them into the hands of someone else who doesn't care at all. And these two, they're two girls you'd see smiling and laughing in the halls. And they always have something good to say about other people, always wanting to help out. They don't deserve what they have, they don't deserve what they're experiencing.

Holidays, especially Christmas it seems, have a way of making you stop and take time to count all of the hidden skeletons in the closet. They force you to stop and take inventory of what you do and don't have. Trust, love, relationships. Shame, guilt, regret.

I didn't know what to say tonight. It wasn't what I was expecting. I'm just trying to make it through the next two weeks with my own problems. And it hits you hard to hear your friend tell you what's been happening when you thought they had it out good. I've been on both sides. Neither is fun.

So with Christmas coming up, I have to believe my life can be something more. I have to believe this isn't all I'm meant to be. Addicted, needy, lost. I have to believe. I have to hope. No one is meant to be like this.

kadi.

I know an amazing guy, Jamie Tworkowski. He posted a blog last New Year's. And something he said has stuck with me through 2007:

You are brighter than the fireworks that paint the sky at midnight.