They Can Be Saved. What About Me?

You know what I want more than anything right now? To believe that God can save me.

I'm falling, and the only direction, it seems, for me to go is to keep falling. You'll hear me tell countless people to not give up, don't give up on God, keep believing. You read my words that say we are never too far from God's grace. Heck, I just wrote something for my youth group's blog talking about forgiveness and what not. That should be up by the end of the year. And you know what? I believe every word I typed for that blog. I just cannot believe it for me. For the people I pass everyday on the streets, I believe any one of them can be "rescued", "saved", "forgiven". I believe with all my heart that anyone can begin again. Anyone, but I have a hard time counting myself in that.

And it sucks. By now, several people who always thought I was a strong Christian, realize now that I'm not so much. But I've still got my youth pastor... He asked me to go on a mission trip this summer to South Africa. I accepted. But maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe it would have been smart to stay home a year. And he looks at me and still sees that strong Christian girl. I don't want to, I can't let him see otherwise. I feel so fake. But...

I don't know anymore. I really don't.

I don't know who I am. I don't know what I believe. Or who I believe in.

Other than this god I've made for myself. A god that leaves scars and bruises on my skin but brings me relief I can't seem to find anywhere else.

Please Lord, don't look the other way.

kadi.

The Holidays.

The holidays always seem to have something about them. They can be the happiest time of year. Home from school for a little bit, time to slow down and enjoy what's around. Or they can be the crappiest time of the year. Either extreme.

Coming into this season, I knew it'd be a hard one. Not only for me, but for a friend of mine. And tonight. Tonight... I had two friends come up to me in tears. They feel like God's left them to fend for themselves, thrusting them into the hands of someone else who doesn't care at all. And these two, they're two girls you'd see smiling and laughing in the halls. And they always have something good to say about other people, always wanting to help out. They don't deserve what they have, they don't deserve what they're experiencing.

Holidays, especially Christmas it seems, have a way of making you stop and take time to count all of the hidden skeletons in the closet. They force you to stop and take inventory of what you do and don't have. Trust, love, relationships. Shame, guilt, regret.

I didn't know what to say tonight. It wasn't what I was expecting. I'm just trying to make it through the next two weeks with my own problems. And it hits you hard to hear your friend tell you what's been happening when you thought they had it out good. I've been on both sides. Neither is fun.

So with Christmas coming up, I have to believe my life can be something more. I have to believe this isn't all I'm meant to be. Addicted, needy, lost. I have to believe. I have to hope. No one is meant to be like this.

kadi.

I know an amazing guy, Jamie Tworkowski. He posted a blog last New Year's. And something he said has stuck with me through 2007:

You are brighter than the fireworks that paint the sky at midnight.