They Can Be Saved. What About Me?

You know what I want more than anything right now? To believe that God can save me.

I'm falling, and the only direction, it seems, for me to go is to keep falling. You'll hear me tell countless people to not give up, don't give up on God, keep believing. You read my words that say we are never too far from God's grace. Heck, I just wrote something for my youth group's blog talking about forgiveness and what not. That should be up by the end of the year. And you know what? I believe every word I typed for that blog. I just cannot believe it for me. For the people I pass everyday on the streets, I believe any one of them can be "rescued", "saved", "forgiven". I believe with all my heart that anyone can begin again. Anyone, but I have a hard time counting myself in that.

And it sucks. By now, several people who always thought I was a strong Christian, realize now that I'm not so much. But I've still got my youth pastor... He asked me to go on a mission trip this summer to South Africa. I accepted. But maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe it would have been smart to stay home a year. And he looks at me and still sees that strong Christian girl. I don't want to, I can't let him see otherwise. I feel so fake. But...

I don't know anymore. I really don't.

I don't know who I am. I don't know what I believe. Or who I believe in.

Other than this god I've made for myself. A god that leaves scars and bruises on my skin but brings me relief I can't seem to find anywhere else.

Please Lord, don't look the other way.

kadi.