Scared. Confused. Sick. Regretful.

The speaker this past Sunday closed after speaking on the parable about the Lost Son. He told a couple real life stories as well, hoping to convey that we can ignore God, but never evade Him. In other words, God won't leave us. He's always near, even if it seems a lot like the opposite. I hear it a lot. But most times when I hear it, it becomes real to me again. Most times.

The speaker ended. Music started. And I began to think about all of it.

"God, I know it's You. You want me back, back in Your arms. But I can't. Everytime I'm on my knees, bowing at Your feet, it always ends in failure. This time won't be any different. And I can't take it anymore. Leave me alone. I don't want this. I'm tired of fighting, and in the end, always losing. I can't do this."

And now, thinking about it, I'm scared like you wouldn't believe. I'm confused and fed up. I'm so sick of this and want it to be all over. I regret everything, regret the first bruise, scratch, and cut. I regret ever giving up on my God. I regret all of it. It's gotten me no where, and I can't see at all how the end can possibly justify any of this. It's not worth it.

I don't want it to be like this. I want to believe in God and give Him everything I have and everything I am, even though it isn't much by now. I don't want to give up. But I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

kadi.