I Still Love You.

I woke up this morning. "Last night didn't happen. Was it real? What he told me, did that conversation take place?"

I've thought about what he said last night all day. And now it's finally sinking in. He was worried he'd hurt me. He was worried he'd lose me. And honestly, I really am upset. But only because I can't stand to think that this is what he's been dealing with all this time. It isn't right.

As the tears roll down
Signifying a relase of something-
Something like a burden.

As the tears roll down
You open the door to reveal
A closet filled with shameful skeletons

As the tears roll down
You refuse to look at me
Worrying you'll only hurt me more

As the tears roll down
You ask me to not say anything
But instead, listen.

As the tears roll down
You tell me you love me
You don't want to lose me

As the tears roll down
I look you in the eyes
I won't let this change anything

You've never given up on me
Even after so many times of failing
And now, trust me when I say
I promise I won't let anything happen
I won't let go
Please believe me when I say
I still love you.

kadi.

Addictions.

Addictions hurt. Everyone. I used to think I only affected myself. I used to think what happened to me was my own problem and no one else had to be brought in on it. In the last couple months, that thinking has been destroyed.

I bruise. I scratch. I cut. And I thought it only hurt me.

A couple weeks ago, my mom cried as she pulled up my sleeves. She didn't want to do anything the rest of the day. Even go to church. I felt like I had ruined her life. It was my fault. All of my pain, regrets, shame from these past 14 months felt like they were suddenly thrust upon her, with me scrambling to pick up the pieces and try to keep them to myself. I don't want anyone to know what I know.

Last Thursday, I was on the bus with my school, making the eight hour trip home from North Carolina. A week with my school, and I didn't care that I had made it almost 40 days without doing anything, I didn't care. I had a few rubber bands on my wrist, and by the end of the night, I had a bruise running down the middle. My friend knows what I do. He sat down next to me, pleading with me to stop. He cried. Something I'd never seen from him, emotions I knew he had, and knew how strong, but it became real right then. I'm hurting him.

And I hurt God. My God.

"And I wonder what You think when You're staring down at me."

I never meant for it to be like this
I never wanted her to blame You
I never wanted her to be so angry

I saw her tears and knew right then
I knew my burden was placed on her
I promise, I never meant for her to feel this pain

I'm sorry I hurt you so bad
Just know, none of it was ever your fault
None of it was ever because of you.

kadi.