An Enduring Patience

Eyes open, you’re on the floor
Some might call this an epiphany
A revelation of sorts
But, really, you’re just happy to be alive.

You clench your fists, then hesitantly release them
Symbolically letting go of what you’ve clung onto for so long
Over and over, the same forced motion
Yet it never makes any difference; you just aren’t ready.

You cry out for a savior, even though you still hold onto your vice
You’ve given it up before, but you fall harder each time.
To some, God means love, safety, hope, and grace.
To you, God means pain, failure, hurt, and fear.

Torn, you decide it’s time you’re honest.
You tell God you can’t leave it behind.
You’re scared of what might happen, it’s who you are
So you take it back up, leaving the cross in the distance.

“I won’t force it upon you, that’s just not what I do.
But I’ll still love you. I’ll still watch over you.
So if you decide you want me, I’ll be right here.
I’ll be waiting for you. I won’t be going anywhere.”

That’s who He is. Maybe someday you’ll recognize Him.
He’s patient when no one else around is.
And He’ll stand here with His arms open wide
Waiting for the day you call His name.

kadi.

A Reason to Live

Over and over, the events replay
It's a broken record on repeat-
An endless, taunting repeat.

My first dream of us, I wish I could take it back
I lie awake and pray to a God
I pray it remains only a dream

Images pieced together to form our end
The two of us. Two guns. Two wounds.
Two lives that will cease to exist.

I'm scared though. Scared as hell.
My part may soon be reality.
Oh God, don't let it follow through

I stopped the intentional pain. I gave you my vice.
But with it I also gave my will to live
I gave away a fading passion to wake up and fight.

I hope you know, you're what's keeping me here.
With you, and away from reality.
I don't see how I could ever end it.

I hope it's enough. But common sense says not
Humanity will never get me far
So I pray, give me a reason to live just one more day.

I'm beginning to wonder if any of it's worth it. I gave up SI, but now I go one step further in my thoughts. But I want to live. It's SI and living. Or no SI and death. He wants me to stop. But I wonder if he'd rather have me dead or alive.

I don't think it's worth it. I don't see how it could be.

kadi.