Her Granddaughter.

My birthday is tomorrow. 16.

This time last year. Hell. I'm doing better this year, trying to stay out of it. For some reason, though, my birthday will present a challenge. I'm trying to stay away, but I'm scared that I'll give in. It's been a couple weeks. Maybe just this one day.

I say this as I'm thinking about what my mom told me today. My grandma is going to give me her first diamond necklace for my birthday. I asked mom why me, out of the rest of her granddaughters.

Apparently my grandma really thinks something of me.

Which is great. Except I live with myself, I know who I am. I know the fucking hypocrite I've grown to be over the last year or so.

She thinks I'm this amazing young lady with an amazing heart for God and amazing passion for serving and for the church.

And I was. Sometimes I still can catch glimpses of that. But too easily is it shoved out of the way by my dependent thinking. "God, leave me alone."

She sees that I want to go into missions.

And even that, as of lately... I'm having a heck of a time trying to hold onto that desire and dream and passion. I don't know what's happened.

I feel so unbelievably false.

If I mentioned this to someone, I can guarantee I'd get a speech along the lines of "It's okay. We all go through it."

Shut the fuck up. Is that supposed to help?

Sure. All Christians struggle with inconsistency. We struggle with not feeling close to God. We struggle with wanting to go our own way.

Most, though, it might be a week off and on.

For me, I'm excited if I feel a portion of that passion for even a fleeting moment. It's the other way around.

And I know "I'm not the only one." Doesn't help matters much though. Doesn't make me feel any better. Doesn't make me suddenly want to give up everything I cling onto.

I guess for the last almost two years, I've been waiting for that one thing that would change everything. I've tried so much, with so many failed nights mixed in there. I don't know where to go anymore. I get tired of trying. Tired of trying to rekindle that relationship. I miss it. Promise you I do. But I don't know how to get back, and I don't know what's left to do. What works?

She still sees her granddaughter.

An amazing young girl.

I see me for who I am.

A fucking hypocrite.

kadi.

Ours to Chase

A dream yet untouched
Maybe ours to chase
A life still so pure
Maybe ours to claim

Come with me, follow my lead
Let us let go of these horrid chains
Come with me, listen to my voice
There’s something so much bigger

I love you, you should know
So let’s leave this world behind
I love you, I think you realize
So let’s make something of ourselves

Quiet down. Do you hear that?
Sounds of this life slipping through the cracks
Listen up. Do you hear that?
Sounds of trumpets announcing a new beginning

Finally, today is here
Forget about the mistakes, the regret
Finally, now is the time
I know we can begin again

So take my hand, trust my every word
Will you join me?
So take my hand, walk beside me
Join me in this moment.

kadi.

Let’s rekindle that flame that fuels our passion and yearning for a life worth living.

A Reason to Live

Over and over, the events replay
It's a broken record on repeat-
An endless, taunting repeat.

My first dream of us, I wish I could take it back
I lie awake and pray to a God
I pray it remains only a dream

Images pieced together to form our end
The two of us. Two guns. Two wounds.
Two lives that will cease to exist.

I'm scared though. Scared as hell.
My part may soon be reality.
Oh God, don't let it follow through

I stopped the intentional pain. I gave you my vice.
But with it I also gave my will to live
I gave away a fading passion to wake up and fight.

I hope you know, you're what's keeping me here.
With you, and away from reality.
I don't see how I could ever end it.

I hope it's enough. But common sense says not
Humanity will never get me far
So I pray, give me a reason to live just one more day.

I'm beginning to wonder if any of it's worth it. I gave up SI, but now I go one step further in my thoughts. But I want to live. It's SI and living. Or no SI and death. He wants me to stop. But I wonder if he'd rather have me dead or alive.

I don't think it's worth it. I don't see how it could be.

kadi.