Her Granddaughter.

My birthday is tomorrow. 16.

This time last year. Hell. I'm doing better this year, trying to stay out of it. For some reason, though, my birthday will present a challenge. I'm trying to stay away, but I'm scared that I'll give in. It's been a couple weeks. Maybe just this one day.

I say this as I'm thinking about what my mom told me today. My grandma is going to give me her first diamond necklace for my birthday. I asked mom why me, out of the rest of her granddaughters.

Apparently my grandma really thinks something of me.

Which is great. Except I live with myself, I know who I am. I know the fucking hypocrite I've grown to be over the last year or so.

She thinks I'm this amazing young lady with an amazing heart for God and amazing passion for serving and for the church.

And I was. Sometimes I still can catch glimpses of that. But too easily is it shoved out of the way by my dependent thinking. "God, leave me alone."

She sees that I want to go into missions.

And even that, as of lately... I'm having a heck of a time trying to hold onto that desire and dream and passion. I don't know what's happened.

I feel so unbelievably false.

If I mentioned this to someone, I can guarantee I'd get a speech along the lines of "It's okay. We all go through it."

Shut the fuck up. Is that supposed to help?

Sure. All Christians struggle with inconsistency. We struggle with not feeling close to God. We struggle with wanting to go our own way.

Most, though, it might be a week off and on.

For me, I'm excited if I feel a portion of that passion for even a fleeting moment. It's the other way around.

And I know "I'm not the only one." Doesn't help matters much though. Doesn't make me feel any better. Doesn't make me suddenly want to give up everything I cling onto.

I guess for the last almost two years, I've been waiting for that one thing that would change everything. I've tried so much, with so many failed nights mixed in there. I don't know where to go anymore. I get tired of trying. Tired of trying to rekindle that relationship. I miss it. Promise you I do. But I don't know how to get back, and I don't know what's left to do. What works?

She still sees her granddaughter.

An amazing young girl.

I see me for who I am.

A fucking hypocrite.

kadi.