Promise?

I told him I didn't think I would be able to make it much longer without going back to a razor.

I half expected him to tell me to keep going, to not stop, that I've already past the first and biggest step.

Instead.

"Just at least try and make it to the end of the fourty days. Promise?"

I was relieved. I was worried that I would fall and not be able to tell him.

But now I don't know if it's what I want.

I miss feeling happy. I miss feeling like everything is okay. I miss feeling like I know God.

And SI doesn't help that.

But right now, not doing SI isn't helping, either. I know it's because I took that away and I'm not letting God work. And I don't know if I want Him to.

And now. I always wanted to live when I was still involved with all of that. I wanted to live. Now I'm not so sure. I'm having an increasing number of times when it's more the opposite.

I'm worried, though, that when I do go back to it, I'll still be thinking like this. And it'll only be worse.

But either way. When 10pm passes on Saturday. I'm going to have razors in hand. I'm tired of this. And it's not worth it.

I'm thinking SI won't be worth it. But I miss feeling calm. And I miss being able to forget about everything.

kadi.

Rising of the Dawn.

Come and listen
Come to the edge of who we are
A broken people, a hopeful people
Come to realize these lines are blurred

Come and listen
Listen for the calls of a new day
Trumpets resounding, drums surrounding
Listen for the promises of a savior

The parting of the clouds
Love may soon become a reality
The rising of the dawn
A new life may finally be ours

Maybe this is me pleading to slow down… to force myself to be quiet and focus for just one moment. I’m constantly caught up in the here and now. Fighting a demon that I know is too strong and already has his hands clenched around my throat. I struggle to regain my ground. And that’s all I see- his shadow behind me. I don’t see a savior with his arms outstretched towards me. I can’t hear the promises, the ones that can finally break down this wall and show me there is still light and hope and beauty in not only this world, but my world. I can’t realize there’s someone who wishes to let me live again- if only I would recognize him for who he is, and recognize his presence.

It’s about quieting myself down. Going to the water’s edge to look out on what I could be. It’s about slowing down long enough to take my eyes off of my chains and refocus on someone who wants only to see me breathe in a real, true breath once again.

kadi.