Promise?

I told him I didn't think I would be able to make it much longer without going back to a razor.

I half expected him to tell me to keep going, to not stop, that I've already past the first and biggest step.

Instead.

"Just at least try and make it to the end of the fourty days. Promise?"

I was relieved. I was worried that I would fall and not be able to tell him.

But now I don't know if it's what I want.

I miss feeling happy. I miss feeling like everything is okay. I miss feeling like I know God.

And SI doesn't help that.

But right now, not doing SI isn't helping, either. I know it's because I took that away and I'm not letting God work. And I don't know if I want Him to.

And now. I always wanted to live when I was still involved with all of that. I wanted to live. Now I'm not so sure. I'm having an increasing number of times when it's more the opposite.

I'm worried, though, that when I do go back to it, I'll still be thinking like this. And it'll only be worse.

But either way. When 10pm passes on Saturday. I'm going to have razors in hand. I'm tired of this. And it's not worth it.

I'm thinking SI won't be worth it. But I miss feeling calm. And I miss being able to forget about everything.

kadi.