Promise?

I told him I didn't think I would be able to make it much longer without going back to a razor.

I half expected him to tell me to keep going, to not stop, that I've already past the first and biggest step.

Instead.

"Just at least try and make it to the end of the fourty days. Promise?"

I was relieved. I was worried that I would fall and not be able to tell him.

But now I don't know if it's what I want.

I miss feeling happy. I miss feeling like everything is okay. I miss feeling like I know God.

And SI doesn't help that.

But right now, not doing SI isn't helping, either. I know it's because I took that away and I'm not letting God work. And I don't know if I want Him to.

And now. I always wanted to live when I was still involved with all of that. I wanted to live. Now I'm not so sure. I'm having an increasing number of times when it's more the opposite.

I'm worried, though, that when I do go back to it, I'll still be thinking like this. And it'll only be worse.

But either way. When 10pm passes on Saturday. I'm going to have razors in hand. I'm tired of this. And it's not worth it.

I'm thinking SI won't be worth it. But I miss feeling calm. And I miss being able to forget about everything.

kadi.

He'd Worry.

Caleb dropped me off and I started up the stairs to the florida room. I walked slower than usual. I was thinking about a lot. Still am. But maybe not a lot. Maybe just one thing, but it isn't the lightest thing ever to have to carry alone.

I turned around. I don't want to go inside. I don't want to see anyone.

I slung my bag over my shoulder and retraced my steps back to where Caleb had dropped me off. I stood there and paced. Beginning to cry out. Beginning to beg for salvation. "Help me," was all I could muster.

I knelt down behind my mom's car. By this time I couldn't feel my feet. Snow is on the ground. And it's getting near 18 degrees. But, I don't notice. And I don't notice until I finally leave that spot. It's in that spot I stay for the next fifteen minutes.

"I don't want to be suicidal.

I'm trying to stop cutting. I'm trying to get better. And I'm doing well. Why now do you have to throw this at me? Why now, when I finally want to see You and know You and love You?

I don't want to be suicidal.

It can't be like this.

God, help me. God, help me. God, help me."

I got up shortly after I realized I would be alone in the battle. I can talk to Caleb about my depression and SI. But not this. He'd worry. Even moreso than the SI. This time it's something that could end so quick. He'd want to say something to someone.

And he'd worry.

I don't want him to worry.

With what he struggles with... right now it's only been worse for him. I don't want to throw this in on top of all of that.

"Oh, Caleb? I forgot to mention... I think I'm suicidal. Just thought you should know."

He needs to focus on his own stuff. He needs to focus on God. I know I would only provide a distraction.

It's me and God. Can't say anything. Can't mention it. Can't hint at it.

This is my battle.

Oh God.

Help me.

kadi.

You Cannot Let Him Win.

Tomorrow I'm going to sit down and tell him I've decided. I want to go these next fourty days without SI. But I don't want it to stop there. The longest I've gone is 39 days. I know I can go farther. I want this to be it. I want this to be the time that I finally begin to change. I'm ready for change.

And I'm going to tell him I need help. I want to get rid of any triggers. So I'm going to ask him to take my razors from me and never give them back. I cut my rubber bands yesterday. And I'll be without razors by tomorrow night. God, I hope You notice. I hope You see that I want to give it up.

Last night I had two people talk to me about all of this. In one night. Maybe it's time now.

I'm hesitant to give up the razors. He's right. I hide in them. Each day after school, hurting myself provided relief that most would never understand. And it was enough. But in the end, it will all "be put to shame". I tell Cara not to give up, that she would only be giving those girls what they want. Maybe it's time to listen to my own advice. Don't give up. You're only giving Satan what he craves. You cannot let him win.

kadi.