He'd Worry.

Caleb dropped me off and I started up the stairs to the florida room. I walked slower than usual. I was thinking about a lot. Still am. But maybe not a lot. Maybe just one thing, but it isn't the lightest thing ever to have to carry alone.

I turned around. I don't want to go inside. I don't want to see anyone.

I slung my bag over my shoulder and retraced my steps back to where Caleb had dropped me off. I stood there and paced. Beginning to cry out. Beginning to beg for salvation. "Help me," was all I could muster.

I knelt down behind my mom's car. By this time I couldn't feel my feet. Snow is on the ground. And it's getting near 18 degrees. But, I don't notice. And I don't notice until I finally leave that spot. It's in that spot I stay for the next fifteen minutes.

"I don't want to be suicidal.

I'm trying to stop cutting. I'm trying to get better. And I'm doing well. Why now do you have to throw this at me? Why now, when I finally want to see You and know You and love You?

I don't want to be suicidal.

It can't be like this.

God, help me. God, help me. God, help me."

I got up shortly after I realized I would be alone in the battle. I can talk to Caleb about my depression and SI. But not this. He'd worry. Even moreso than the SI. This time it's something that could end so quick. He'd want to say something to someone.

And he'd worry.

I don't want him to worry.

With what he struggles with... right now it's only been worse for him. I don't want to throw this in on top of all of that.

"Oh, Caleb? I forgot to mention... I think I'm suicidal. Just thought you should know."

He needs to focus on his own stuff. He needs to focus on God. I know I would only provide a distraction.

It's me and God. Can't say anything. Can't mention it. Can't hint at it.

This is my battle.

Oh God.

Help me.

kadi.