Not Now.

My jumbled, repeating thoughts over the past day. What keeps playing on the broken record. What keeps replaying images, sounds, ideas in my head.

Friday 021508 Afternoon.

My hands are trembling. My head is pounding. My legs won’t hold me much longer.

I can’t think straight. I just want to be alone. Leave me alone.

Caleb wants me to call him. I want to. But I shouldn’t. Not like this. I was doing so well. Oh it’s a good thing I gave him my razors.

And it’s a good thing I don’t have access to a gun…

Did I just say that?

Yes. I wish I just wasn’t here. I just want to hang out with Caleb tonight, and then it can all end. I don’t care. Africa is coming up. But I don’t care. I’ll be surprised if I can go anyway.

Friday 021508 Evening.

I could stay here forever. Away from home and all the problems there. Just stay here with a guy that understands me and genuinely cares.

But I remember just a few hours earlier. How could I think that?

My hands tense. I breathe deep. I close my eyes.

I can’t believe I thought that. I would lose so much.

Saturday 021608 Afternoon.

I can’t believe I thought that.

I can’t believe I thought that.

I can’t believe I thought that.

I don’t want to have those thoughts.

I don’t want to be like that.

I don’t want to be suicidal.

What if my parents found out? Or Caleb? What would they say?

I don’t want this to be the beginning of something. I’m trying to stop SI. And I’m trying to give my depression to a God I’m learning to trust. I don’t want to deal with this now. No. Not now. Please. Not now.

I can’t take anymore.

Not now.

kadi.