Too Far, Too Long.

I'm almost convinced that I'll never know the God that I used to know.

I've been saying recently how I'm afraid that it'll never be like it was, but there was always something that kept me hoping and believing that it will change.

But I'm really not sure anymore. I really don't know if it will happen. I don't think it will.

It's something you can't explain. Something I can't put into words, even if I'm writing it out.

I go to worship services Wednesday nights. If I'm able to raise my hands and fall to my knees and attempt to begin to knock walls down, it doesn't feel like it's enough. It's like I've gone too far, too long, and nothing can change that.

And when I'm able to calm myself down long enough to listen, it's always to listen to the lies.

"He doesn't care anymore. You're a waste of time."

I'm a 15 year old American girl who struggles with depression and SI. You ask me why I do what I do and I could rattle off some problems about school and home. But I know that my life is near perfect compared to what other people go through each day. What they go through in Uganda or the Philippines. Or what they go through in my neighborhood. Rape. Abuse. I've never experienced that first hand. So why do I do what I do? I can't tell you that.

So why would God spend His time trying to save me? Others need His attention. He's got bigger problems on His hands than a girl who hurts herself for stupid reasons.

...

Earlier this evening I was thinking about all of this. How I can never get back to where I was. I can come close, but I know I'll never know the same God I used to know. I've made Him into something I don't recognize. I don't know who I worship anymore. And you can't worship two masters.

I finished a book tonight. I'll post something else about it later. But first.
I mentioned how my problems pale in comparison to most everyone else's and how I really have no reason to do what I do. I loved what the author had to say when the main character, Charlie, was thinking somewhere along the lines of that.


"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they are upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad. Just like that my sister said when I had been in the hospital for a while. She said that she was really worried about going to college, and considering what I was going through, she felt really dumb about it. But I don't know why she would feel dumb. I'd be worried, too. And really, I don't think I have it any better or worse that she does. I don't know. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there."

-Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

We all have problems. Some bad. Some a lot worse. But each one seems important to that person. Maybe comparing problems isn't always the best thing to do.

I don't know. I realize I make absolutely know sense right now.

I just know that things will never be like what they used to be. I won't ever know the same God I used to know.

(How's that for two different topics put into one blog?)

kadi.