Rising of the Dawn.

Come and listen
Come to the edge of who we are
A broken people, a hopeful people
Come to realize these lines are blurred

Come and listen
Listen for the calls of a new day
Trumpets resounding, drums surrounding
Listen for the promises of a savior

The parting of the clouds
Love may soon become a reality
The rising of the dawn
A new life may finally be ours

Maybe this is me pleading to slow down… to force myself to be quiet and focus for just one moment. I’m constantly caught up in the here and now. Fighting a demon that I know is too strong and already has his hands clenched around my throat. I struggle to regain my ground. And that’s all I see- his shadow behind me. I don’t see a savior with his arms outstretched towards me. I can’t hear the promises, the ones that can finally break down this wall and show me there is still light and hope and beauty in not only this world, but my world. I can’t realize there’s someone who wishes to let me live again- if only I would recognize him for who he is, and recognize his presence.

It’s about quieting myself down. Going to the water’s edge to look out on what I could be. It’s about slowing down long enough to take my eyes off of my chains and refocus on someone who wants only to see me breathe in a real, true breath once again.

kadi.

Hatred. Blame.

It scares me.

It scares me just how easy it is for me to hate something, someone. How quick I am to blame God, blame someone else, blame something.

A friend tells me that he struggles most every night, when I thought it wasn't so often. I blame God. Why can't I help him anymore than I am? Why can I only do so much? Why did you choose him, of all people?

I believe "love is the movement". But I sure don't act like it. I realized tonight how much hate there is in my life. Not necessarily hate for anyone, at least not now, but for myself, what I've done, what I can't do, blaming God.

Regrets, guilt.

It's tearing me down.

Hearing someone who's been imprisoned so many times and constantly persecuted say he has never hated the people who want him dead... it makes you realize that you have no reason to hate.

I just want to do so much more. I want to help him. But I can't, I can only do so much which never seems like much at all. After what he's done for me, you'd think I could do some of the same for him.

kadi.

Two Gods.

It was dark. Music started and I recognized the song. “I can’t sing this,” I thought. “How can I sing this, a song about only worshiping God when I know for a fact that I am struggling with serving and worshiping two gods at this moment? How can I bow down to two completely different gods? How can I sing this song when I know I don’t mean one word of it?”

And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You, Lord

I noticed beside me my boyfriend had raised his hands. How? I know him, what he’s going through. How can he still sing these words and tell God he will bow down before only Him? I'd love to be like that. Sometimes I am. But most nights that just won’t happen.

I, honestly, could not sit down and tell you who is the one god I worship. But. I don’t know who God is anymore. The one, true God, the one who died on a cross and has scars of His own… I have not the slightest idea of who He is. I don’t know His face. I don’t know His words. I can’t recognize Him. I don’t know who He is.

And it’s just you and me here now
Only you and me here now

No. Maybe You. Maybe me. But I hope You don’t mind that I brought along another god of mine. You see, I want to worship both of you. I still love You, I’ll still bow down. But, I may occasionally have to step aside and spend some time over here.

Doesn’t work like that, does it? It seems like it’d be easier. “Just let me live and do what I want. I’ll come to You when I have nothing else to run to. I’m going to try here first, though.” It won’t happen. I’ve got to choose. One God. Or the other.

Isaiah 28:15c
“...for we have made lies our refuge, and in falsehood we have taken shelter.”

kadi.

Regrets. Guilt.

Regrets suck.

Guilt is no place to live.

This is nothing I should know.

It's the Christian thing to not regret and mindlessly repeat the phrase "let God use your mistakes." ...Or something like that. To believe in a grace and trust that there's no reason to feel this guilt. It's all blanketed in a sense of forgiveness.

I know it's true. But it's another thing entirely to act like that, and not just say it.

I do a decent job of not regreting. I screw up. Beat myself up a bit. Sometimes more than I should. But give me a day and I can move on. At least most of the time. Except for this one. No matter how many sunrises I receive, it's all the same. That same regret that promises to haunt me and remind me of that Sunday afternoon back in May. Everytime I see those scars.

Sometimes I wonder. What if no word came out of my mouth that I didn't believe for myself as well? Like all of this about grace and mercy and truth and honesty. I don't think I'd be talking or writing as much. I don't think any word would form at all.

I've been told, I've heard so many times to not regret and not live in such a place as guilt. But when it comes to this, it seems just about as possible as me waking up in the morning to find no scars and my life just like it was not too long ago.

kadi.

I Still Love You.

I woke up this morning. "Last night didn't happen. Was it real? What he told me, did that conversation take place?"

I've thought about what he said last night all day. And now it's finally sinking in. He was worried he'd hurt me. He was worried he'd lose me. And honestly, I really am upset. But only because I can't stand to think that this is what he's been dealing with all this time. It isn't right.

As the tears roll down
Signifying a relase of something-
Something like a burden.

As the tears roll down
You open the door to reveal
A closet filled with shameful skeletons

As the tears roll down
You refuse to look at me
Worrying you'll only hurt me more

As the tears roll down
You ask me to not say anything
But instead, listen.

As the tears roll down
You tell me you love me
You don't want to lose me

As the tears roll down
I look you in the eyes
I won't let this change anything

You've never given up on me
Even after so many times of failing
And now, trust me when I say
I promise I won't let anything happen
I won't let go
Please believe me when I say
I still love you.

kadi.

Heavy and Light.

It’s the start of a new year; the first day has come to a close. And it’s easy, it seems, to go into a new year with feelings filled with doubt, fear, failure- especially after a year when those words characterized each day.

Last night at the New Year’s Eve party, the speaker (Chris Collins) mentioned pain, suffering. He said we all have it; we’ll all experience it firsthand. But, it’s something that will not last.

I read someone’s words earlier today, saying how she was glad for the rain to stop as she was driving home. Maybe that’s a bit like our reality…

Everywhere it rains. But everywhere the rain eventually stops. Even in the areas where it rains for months on end, it all comes to an end and in turn reveals a sun that’s been there all along.

Pain is ever present in a fallen world, as is suffering, failure, fear. Unfortunately, though it’s what we chose in the beginning. We will go through times when we just can’t see the sun anymore. We will. But it also all has to come to an end sometime.

I’ve also heard a phrase, “heavy and light”, be used to describe our lives. Things come in opposites. Heavy and light. Life isn’t always happy, everyone can attest to that. But life isn’t always sad, either.

Life can suck; it can be a living hell. And I have scars as reminders of that truth. But maybe just the fact that I wake up each morning to a new day is something to find hope in. And maybe, too, that whole analogy of the glass half full, half empty kind of thinking- maybe it’s just good that there’s actually something in there.

I can look outside and easily see evidence of struggle and failure. But I can also see a creation so pure. I can see my God’s signature in everything and everyone, even the most beat up and bruised. And that should be something that gives me reason to praise Him forever. The fact that each morning I’m greeted with a new day that reminds me I’m given another chance, no matter how bad I screwed up the night before. I’m given another chance to learn to trust God and believe in what He can do, no matter how far I had run just hours earlier.

It doesn’t matter. He is patient, with arms always extended. He doesn’t care how many times we blame Him or how many times we ignore Him, He wants us and chooses to give us another sunrise.

kadi.

Let the Sun Rise.

New Year's Eve. For some, of course, it's a new beginning, new start. Change. But it seems like more and more lately that people look on it as just another year to stand up and be shoved to the ground. I've felt like that. I screwed up in 2007. More than I'd like to remember. And I remember New Year's eve last year. I "rededicated" my life. Promised myself I wouldn't be depressed anymore. That lasted a week. So, I figured this year wouldn't be any different. Just another year to get my hopes up about change. Then fall a week later.

But, just maybe this new year is something more?

I could very well not be here. My God could have decided that 2007 would be my last year. But 2008 has come. He's given me another year, and for some reason, I don't think God is a god of failure.

"You screwed up in 2007. I watched you as you built up walls and depended only on yourself. I watched you as you gave up on Me and refused to trust. I watched you fall this past year, willingly go your own way. But, I want to give you 2008. I know you can rise above this, rise from the ashes. I want to give you a new day. Let the sun rise. And maybe this time, let Me walk by your side."

Maybe this time next year, I'll look back and feel the same as I do about 2007. But it doesn't have to be like that.

"It's not the way it goes, it's your book now."

kadi.

You are brighter than the fireworks that paint the sky at midnight.
Jamie Tworkowski.