Those Moments.

It's perfect moments...

Perfect moments like last night.

Those moments that last for only a minute, but feel like they could last eternity. It's those moments that I thought I would never know. It's those moments that I've watched in everyone else's life.

It's those moments that allow me to live another night. That give me hope that change is a real possibility. And that maybe there is still some love in my life. That someone cares and I'm not walking alone. It's those moments that explain why I'm still here.

It's the moments that I wouldn't trade for anything.

The moments that I just have to stop and say, "Thank You. You're still alive in my life."

kadi.

He'd Worry.

Caleb dropped me off and I started up the stairs to the florida room. I walked slower than usual. I was thinking about a lot. Still am. But maybe not a lot. Maybe just one thing, but it isn't the lightest thing ever to have to carry alone.

I turned around. I don't want to go inside. I don't want to see anyone.

I slung my bag over my shoulder and retraced my steps back to where Caleb had dropped me off. I stood there and paced. Beginning to cry out. Beginning to beg for salvation. "Help me," was all I could muster.

I knelt down behind my mom's car. By this time I couldn't feel my feet. Snow is on the ground. And it's getting near 18 degrees. But, I don't notice. And I don't notice until I finally leave that spot. It's in that spot I stay for the next fifteen minutes.

"I don't want to be suicidal.

I'm trying to stop cutting. I'm trying to get better. And I'm doing well. Why now do you have to throw this at me? Why now, when I finally want to see You and know You and love You?

I don't want to be suicidal.

It can't be like this.

God, help me. God, help me. God, help me."

I got up shortly after I realized I would be alone in the battle. I can talk to Caleb about my depression and SI. But not this. He'd worry. Even moreso than the SI. This time it's something that could end so quick. He'd want to say something to someone.

And he'd worry.

I don't want him to worry.

With what he struggles with... right now it's only been worse for him. I don't want to throw this in on top of all of that.

"Oh, Caleb? I forgot to mention... I think I'm suicidal. Just thought you should know."

He needs to focus on his own stuff. He needs to focus on God. I know I would only provide a distraction.

It's me and God. Can't say anything. Can't mention it. Can't hint at it.

This is my battle.

Oh God.

Help me.

kadi.

Satisfied.

Sometimes it would be so much easier.

Settle for the typical American life.

Husband. 2 or 3 kids. Job that pays just enough for us to get by.

It would be easier to be satisfied with what everyone else is satisfied, rather than have these big dreams and plans. With expectations. Goals.

And half expecting to fail.

It would be easier. But, maybe I don't always want what's easiest.

I've always been the type of person that wants to know my life impacts someone, even in the smallest way. I'm not always happy with school and family and such because it doesn't seem like I can make that big impact. Skip high school. Skip college. Let me go work with kids in Uganda or Indonesia or the Phillippines and let me know that I'm that light in their lives. Let me know that I can die and my life will mean something to someone else. Let me burn out bright.

I want to change the world.

Even if it's only a few peoples' worlds.

More than anything. I want to know I've made a change in what's around me.

I want to know I'm not useless. And that my life was used by God. That something came of pain and joy and failures and victories.

kadi.

Not Now.

My jumbled, repeating thoughts over the past day. What keeps playing on the broken record. What keeps replaying images, sounds, ideas in my head.

Friday 021508 Afternoon.

My hands are trembling. My head is pounding. My legs won’t hold me much longer.

I can’t think straight. I just want to be alone. Leave me alone.

Caleb wants me to call him. I want to. But I shouldn’t. Not like this. I was doing so well. Oh it’s a good thing I gave him my razors.

And it’s a good thing I don’t have access to a gun…

Did I just say that?

Yes. I wish I just wasn’t here. I just want to hang out with Caleb tonight, and then it can all end. I don’t care. Africa is coming up. But I don’t care. I’ll be surprised if I can go anyway.

Friday 021508 Evening.

I could stay here forever. Away from home and all the problems there. Just stay here with a guy that understands me and genuinely cares.

But I remember just a few hours earlier. How could I think that?

My hands tense. I breathe deep. I close my eyes.

I can’t believe I thought that. I would lose so much.

Saturday 021608 Afternoon.

I can’t believe I thought that.

I can’t believe I thought that.

I can’t believe I thought that.

I don’t want to have those thoughts.

I don’t want to be like that.

I don’t want to be suicidal.

What if my parents found out? Or Caleb? What would they say?

I don’t want this to be the beginning of something. I’m trying to stop SI. And I’m trying to give my depression to a God I’m learning to trust. I don’t want to deal with this now. No. Not now. Please. Not now.

I can’t take anymore.

Not now.

kadi.

You Cannot Let Him Win.

Tomorrow I'm going to sit down and tell him I've decided. I want to go these next fourty days without SI. But I don't want it to stop there. The longest I've gone is 39 days. I know I can go farther. I want this to be it. I want this to be the time that I finally begin to change. I'm ready for change.

And I'm going to tell him I need help. I want to get rid of any triggers. So I'm going to ask him to take my razors from me and never give them back. I cut my rubber bands yesterday. And I'll be without razors by tomorrow night. God, I hope You notice. I hope You see that I want to give it up.

Last night I had two people talk to me about all of this. In one night. Maybe it's time now.

I'm hesitant to give up the razors. He's right. I hide in them. Each day after school, hurting myself provided relief that most would never understand. And it was enough. But in the end, it will all "be put to shame". I tell Cara not to give up, that she would only be giving those girls what they want. Maybe it's time to listen to my own advice. Don't give up. You're only giving Satan what he craves. You cannot let him win.

kadi.

Too Far, Too Long.

I'm almost convinced that I'll never know the God that I used to know.

I've been saying recently how I'm afraid that it'll never be like it was, but there was always something that kept me hoping and believing that it will change.

But I'm really not sure anymore. I really don't know if it will happen. I don't think it will.

It's something you can't explain. Something I can't put into words, even if I'm writing it out.

I go to worship services Wednesday nights. If I'm able to raise my hands and fall to my knees and attempt to begin to knock walls down, it doesn't feel like it's enough. It's like I've gone too far, too long, and nothing can change that.

And when I'm able to calm myself down long enough to listen, it's always to listen to the lies.

"He doesn't care anymore. You're a waste of time."

I'm a 15 year old American girl who struggles with depression and SI. You ask me why I do what I do and I could rattle off some problems about school and home. But I know that my life is near perfect compared to what other people go through each day. What they go through in Uganda or the Philippines. Or what they go through in my neighborhood. Rape. Abuse. I've never experienced that first hand. So why do I do what I do? I can't tell you that.

So why would God spend His time trying to save me? Others need His attention. He's got bigger problems on His hands than a girl who hurts herself for stupid reasons.

...

Earlier this evening I was thinking about all of this. How I can never get back to where I was. I can come close, but I know I'll never know the same God I used to know. I've made Him into something I don't recognize. I don't know who I worship anymore. And you can't worship two masters.

I finished a book tonight. I'll post something else about it later. But first.
I mentioned how my problems pale in comparison to most everyone else's and how I really have no reason to do what I do. I loved what the author had to say when the main character, Charlie, was thinking somewhere along the lines of that.


"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they are upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad. Just like that my sister said when I had been in the hospital for a while. She said that she was really worried about going to college, and considering what I was going through, she felt really dumb about it. But I don't know why she would feel dumb. I'd be worried, too. And really, I don't think I have it any better or worse that she does. I don't know. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there."

-Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

We all have problems. Some bad. Some a lot worse. But each one seems important to that person. Maybe comparing problems isn't always the best thing to do.

I don't know. I realize I make absolutely know sense right now.

I just know that things will never be like what they used to be. I won't ever know the same God I used to know.

(How's that for two different topics put into one blog?)

kadi.