Promise?

I told him I didn't think I would be able to make it much longer without going back to a razor.

I half expected him to tell me to keep going, to not stop, that I've already past the first and biggest step.

Instead.

"Just at least try and make it to the end of the fourty days. Promise?"

I was relieved. I was worried that I would fall and not be able to tell him.

But now I don't know if it's what I want.

I miss feeling happy. I miss feeling like everything is okay. I miss feeling like I know God.

And SI doesn't help that.

But right now, not doing SI isn't helping, either. I know it's because I took that away and I'm not letting God work. And I don't know if I want Him to.

And now. I always wanted to live when I was still involved with all of that. I wanted to live. Now I'm not so sure. I'm having an increasing number of times when it's more the opposite.

I'm worried, though, that when I do go back to it, I'll still be thinking like this. And it'll only be worse.

But either way. When 10pm passes on Saturday. I'm going to have razors in hand. I'm tired of this. And it's not worth it.

I'm thinking SI won't be worth it. But I miss feeling calm. And I miss being able to forget about everything.

kadi.

Ours to Chase

A dream yet untouched
Maybe ours to chase
A life still so pure
Maybe ours to claim

Come with me, follow my lead
Let us let go of these horrid chains
Come with me, listen to my voice
There’s something so much bigger

I love you, you should know
So let’s leave this world behind
I love you, I think you realize
So let’s make something of ourselves

Quiet down. Do you hear that?
Sounds of this life slipping through the cracks
Listen up. Do you hear that?
Sounds of trumpets announcing a new beginning

Finally, today is here
Forget about the mistakes, the regret
Finally, now is the time
I know we can begin again

So take my hand, trust my every word
Will you join me?
So take my hand, walk beside me
Join me in this moment.

kadi.

Let’s rekindle that flame that fuels our passion and yearning for a life worth living.

Show Me The Stars

I don’t want to hear anymore lectures.

No more sermons.

No more being preached at.

I don’t want to be told what I am and what I’m not. I don’t want to be told how I should be and that I’m not enough of something.

I don’t want to be told that I should talk to my parents.

Talk to my brother.

Talk to everyone and tell them what the scars are.

I don’t want to be told I should be more outgoing.

And I don’t need to be told one more time that what I’m doing is an addiction and that it will only get worse.

Or that I need to take that next step. The step after giving him my razors.

I just want to be held. I want someone to whisper into my ear,

“It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. You’re safe. You can still change. He sees you. He hasn’t forgotten you. He still loves you. I love you.”

That’s all. I don’t want anything else attached.

“I love you.”

I don’t want “I love you, but…” or “I love you, so…”

Just

“I love you.”

I want someone to hold my hands, look me straight in my eyes, and tell me I’m still alive. That I’m going to make it. That I’m going to make it. That I’m going to make it.

I want to be told that there is still breath in my lungs and blood pumping through my veins. That he hasn’t won yet. And that I’m worth something.

I want someone to show me the stars, and tell me of a wonderful creation. Not the broken and abused one that tends to be the only thing I ever see anymore.

No more lectures.

No more sermons.

No more being preached at.

Just tell me I haven’t been forgotten.

And that I’m still loved.

kadi.

A Reason to Live

Over and over, the events replay
It's a broken record on repeat-
An endless, taunting repeat.

My first dream of us, I wish I could take it back
I lie awake and pray to a God
I pray it remains only a dream

Images pieced together to form our end
The two of us. Two guns. Two wounds.
Two lives that will cease to exist.

I'm scared though. Scared as hell.
My part may soon be reality.
Oh God, don't let it follow through

I stopped the intentional pain. I gave you my vice.
But with it I also gave my will to live
I gave away a fading passion to wake up and fight.

I hope you know, you're what's keeping me here.
With you, and away from reality.
I don't see how I could ever end it.

I hope it's enough. But common sense says not
Humanity will never get me far
So I pray, give me a reason to live just one more day.

I'm beginning to wonder if any of it's worth it. I gave up SI, but now I go one step further in my thoughts. But I want to live. It's SI and living. Or no SI and death. He wants me to stop. But I wonder if he'd rather have me dead or alive.

I don't think it's worth it. I don't see how it could be.

kadi.